Monday, September 29, 2008

A season of letting go...

Usually, I so look forward to the month of September. I mean, it's my birthday, the start of football season, it starts getting cooler out...what's there not to love? September 2008 has been the exception, what a yucky month!

The beginning of the month was great, I celebrated my birthday with a bunch of girlfriends at Abuelo's (YUM) and got some great gifts from family and friends! However, the first weekend was very sad...David's Grandfather's health was failing and we knew that we would soon be taking a trip to Detroit. We lost Joe on that Sunday and headed up to Detroit the following Tuesday. It was really nice to see David's sister and brother (living in different states) fly in for the funeral and be able to catch up with his family, but it was a difficult time for everyone. I think the hardest part was watching David's Grandmother struggle with letting go.

As I sat in the chapel listening to the pastor, I started thinking how I would handle such a difficult situation? I understand that his Grandparents have lived full lives but you still watch someone struggle to say goodbye to someone who's always known them best. I have been very fortunate to be married to a man who not only knows me but gets me. I didn't believe in soulmates before David but in almost 15 years of knowing him (9 of them being married), I can't imagine a better person to walk through this life with. He's my best friend, my sound board, my everything. For those who know me, that's not easy for me to say because I'm as stubborn as they come and I'm VERY independent. But, meeting David and loving him for all these years has changed that. I'm still independent, but I now know that God chose this person for me to walk through every season with, good or bad and for that reason alone, I trust in Him completely.

After we came home, the Buckeyes lost (which is sad for me but not life altering) and then a I got a nasty flu bug that seemed to take forever to get rid of. Before I got sick, my mom had said that my Granny was asking for me to visit (she has been in a nursing home for a little over a year now after a surgery left her unable to walk and take care of herself). So, on a Friday afternoon, I went with my mom to visit. I am of the belief that I want to see people when they're well, it's very difficult for me to see someone when their very sick. My Granny was also of this same belief and that's why she didn't always ask for me to visit. However, I knew that when she made the request, that it was important for me to go.

It was very difficult to go in and see her, but I knew that she knew me which made me feel better. We chatted while my mom fed her lunch and I showed her pictures of the boys. After a couple of hours, we decided to head home and as we were packing up, Granny broke down in tears. As I leaned over to kiss her on the forehead she said to me how beautiful I was and that she was proud of me and my family. This caught me off guard a little but I looked at her and said that I loved her and I'd be back soon. Little did I know that two weeks later, she would pass.

Last week, we knew that she was failing and she'd been in Hospice care for almost a month (God bless everyone who took such wonderful care of her.) So, as the week started, we knew that she wasn't doing well but I just didn't get the time to get over there. However, knowing my Granny, she didn't want me to see her this way so I felt that I was justifying my not going. I wanted to remember her happy and smiling, not in pain and crying. Logan kept asking to go see her but I tried to explain that "Granny isn't feeling well and she wouldn't want you to be upset." As Wednesday came, I talked to my mom who said that Sabina (Hospice worker) called to say that her heart was failing and that she's not going to make it through the night. Within a half hour of me getting to my folks house, Hospice called to say that she had passed. I can't describe the mix of emotions that I was feeling. Although in that moment, all I could think about was my mom.

My mom has been my best friend since before I met David and there's no way to describe her that would do her justice, she's the most AMAZING woman I've ever known. I always tell her that she missed her calling in life because I truly believe that she was meant to be a nurse, she has the most generous heart and is the most calm and nuturing person I know. To see her reaction when she heard the news was heartbreaking...but as my mom always does, she puts on a brave face until she can be alone. Luckily, all of our family lives in Columbus, so we were able to get a hold of everyone and they all came over to be with my mom and my Aunt Teri. We spent the evening talking and enjoying being together to remember someone special.

My oldest son took the news hard, which as a parent (trying to explain it for the first time) was very difficult. David was in Cleveland for the day/evening so as I sat there on my son's bed listening to his questions and wiping his tears, all I could think about is how much I missed my husband. Sleeping alone that night was the toughest night ever for me, although I knew where he was, it was just the circumstances that made me appreciate how much I need and want David in my life and that I don't want to walk through life without him.

So, this is basically why I haven't posted all month, and honestly, I'm glad to see this month come to an end. Hoepfully, October will be a new season for me, filled with joy and surprises!